Friendship is never a one-way street.
Friendship is a two lane highway with no passing lane. The speed limit fluctuates with location. The weather changes. The cars being driven obviously change. However, it is always a two lane highway.
Over the last couple of months, I have been incredibly busy. My life has taken some pretty cool turns (and some crazy ones), and I am both thrilled and exhausted with how things are going right now.
In the last month alone, I have reconnected with several old friends. In the same regard, I have visited with a dear friend in North Carolina, and met up with my boyfriend on a couple of occasions. In all of these things, I have discovered what really stands to be uncovered within a friendship.
As many of you know, I have become a very loud and outspoken individual. At least, I'm louder than I used to be. I'm more political than I once was, I no longer go to church, I love people right where they are without any strings, and I'm trying to be the best me that I can be.
One of the most important qualities in friendship is trust. Forgiveness, in addition to trust, can go a very long way.
For a long time, I easily gave my trust to anyone who would open up to me about their lives. I did not realize that my respect of peoples' secrets and desires would not always lead to them feeling the same way. People tore me apart, honestly, in any way that they could. Individuals that I held very close decided that they had no time or effort to put into me anymore, or that small differences in belief or opinion were the nail in the coffin that had once been a flourishing friendship.
I also did not understand forgiveness, in its purest form, was more than just saying sorry. It is something that waltzes hand-in-hand with trust. There are not pretenses, there is not fear behind it, it's simply choosing to acknowledge, forgive, and move on from something. An apology is different. Some people apologize to save their own behinds, or because they intentionally hurt you and think that an apology is the one-way-street to hurt you without, well, actually hurting you.
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| Image edited by Tori Wickline (OnlyMeJustT), lyrics from "It's Quiet Uptown" Hamilton: An American Musical, Lin Manuel Miranda |
I learned how to stop chasing those kinds of people.
I like to call them "toxic" people.
I learned that sometimes the very best friends that we have are the ones that we never saw coming. My favorite friends are the ones who make me laugh, over and over again, about the same things. The ones who text me in need of advice, love, a laugh, ranting, or just because they want to. However, though they seek companionship, true friends of mine never want to exploit me. They just want to love and cherish me. They are the very best people in my world, and I'm not sorry to say it one bit.
For the last two months especially, I have felt a tug on my heart regrading some friends who were once like brothers to me. We had fallen apart, due to circumstances that are far beyond explanation at this point, and for almost a year and a half did not even exchange so much as a glance across a crowded room. Now, as strange as it seems, we are talking normally and trying to make up for lost time.
In the same regard, another close friend and I decided that our differences could not get in the way of our friendship anymore. It was high time that we decided to have an adult friendship, and not one that ran on gossip. It was the first friendship, pardon my expression, that I had the balls to say what I deserve in a friendship. I cannot hold people together; I am not superglue. So again, normal conversation ensues and we are trying to keep up with each other as much as we possibly can amidst busy work schedules and the beginning of summer.
Apologies have been uttered, as genuine as I have ever heard them in such a long time, and flow like brooks and rivers throughout what I thought was a season in my life meant to be spent seeking answers in a desert.
I have learned that hatred, even of people who don't particularly like me, gets me nowhere in life. I have contemplated the value of my words, and tried to create a type of filter where I can still express myself without coming across as too harsh. Sometimes, especially when I am defending the people that I love, I lose track of my tongue and let myself demean people in ways that I have no justification for doing. Even if I have justification, though- two wrongs never make a right.
However, that does not give people the right to slander me. That does not give anyone the right to drag my name through the mud because of something foolish that I have said or done at some point in defense of someone else.
Where I have had the privilege to forgive those that I love, I have no obligation to go beyond forgiveness unless I feel safe in a friendship. I don't have to maintain a close relationship with someone who hurts me, and readers (whether we are friends, family, or some kind of strange acquaintance otherwise), I would encourage you to guard your hearts in the same way. Forgive everyone, whether they're sorry or not, but do not let someone back into your life if you feel like it compromises your well-being. You have no obligation to be friends with a toxic person.
Now, I've issued my own apologies. Stupid things I've said, even if they were to protect or shield someone, that hurt or aggravated another person. You have no obligation to like me, or to want anything to do with me. I am sorry for offending you, I am sorry for hurting you or your feelings. However, that being said, you do have an obligation to fix the issue with the person I was defending in the first place. (That, my friends, is for another blog post.)
I just wanted to drop in and say that, though somewhat overwhelmed with the end of the semester and with work, I'm feeling incredibly blessed by some people in my life right now. I feel like I have cut so much of the bad out of my life, set my eyes on some achievable goals, and decided that no one is going to stop me from achieving want I want to ever again. I am surrounded by kindness and support, and my heart is filled to the brim with love for the friendships I have gained/regained/maintained over the last couple of months.
So, as I said in the beginning, friendship is never a one way street. I look forward to traveling with those of you who grasp that, even in its smallest truths.
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Though I'm busy, I promise that I will be back as soon as possible with some regular posting.
I love all of you who have taken the time to read this, and all of you who (though unmentioned) know how much I cherish you. Bless you guys.
-Tori
