Locks Butterflies and Love...

So today I have some stuff on my heart. It's not really the prettiest stuff I could talk about, but it needs to be addressed. I can't really think of a better thing to do than personally address it and hope that it positively affects someone that reads this. One million begins with one. I'm more than happy to be someone's one if they need me to be. 

There are some really phenomenal programs out there in the world. I have a few favorite, which are all self-harm and suicide related. I'm really big on prevention of those two things. Mostly because I have some rough experience in feeling like dirt, and also in helping people to not feel like dirt. I've had my share of 2am phone calls, both dialed and received. I have learned to perceive each individual in this world with an open mind, and I am a firm believer that there is good in everyone. I also believe that no one deserves to be depressed or anxious, no matter what they've done or what they think that they deserve. 

You're meant to LIVE life. Not just survive, you're supposed to THRIVE through life, head held high. Though that isn't always the most practical route to go, and sometimes the water is a bit too rough, just keep moving forward. 

Always keep fighting (quote by Jared Padalecki, woo!) and don't, please PLEASE, don't give up.

Not now, not ever. 

I don't care what you've done, because I keep my faith planted in my ability to help others, and my affirmation in forgiveness and repentance. 

My faith overall though, is in God. 

If you're faithless and hurting, try reading a Bible. 

Even if you don't particularly want to believe in anything, read it like a book. 

I promise, it will encourage you. 

I've been there. I've been faithless and felt alone. Now I have somewhat of a faith, and encouragement from some awesome people. In turn, I uplift the people who keep me happy. It's a cycle. 

Anyways. 

All of the things aren't even really programs, more of a shared group of ideas. Projects, if you will. 

The Lock Project centers around bullying, self-harm, suicide, and eating disorder awareness. The idea is that you draw locks on your arm that correspond with a color. That color, in turn, stands for some sort of mental disorder, bullying experience, or self-esteem issue. I'm not going to tell you what my colors are, but I'm an avid participate in this project every year. 

The Butterfly Project is quite similar. With this, you draw a butterfly on your wrist. It doesn't have to be pretty, I mean, it doesn't even have to look like a butterfly to be honest. The goal of this project is to prevent self-harm. You draw a butterfly on your wrist, and you don't wash it off. You leave it there, and when it fades, you draw a new one in it's place. If you self-harm in any way while the butterfly is on your wrist, it's called killing the butterfly. The objective is to not harm the butterfly, because harming the butterfly would mean hurting yourself. 

The last project is my personal favorite. To Write Love On Her Arms is a suicide and self-harm prevention mechanism. You literally write "love" on your arms. Some people don't write love, they write names or draw symbols. That's fine. It's just about keeping in mind that YOU ARE LOVED. 

Now, some people may see these as dumb ideas. Some people think that mental illness is sick, and that people who have self-harmed or considered it, that the people who have contemplated suicide, that the people have attempted suicide, and the people who have succeeded at taking their own lives just need to be locked up. If you think that, my friend...then I really need to reconsider my friendships. It's not something they can just help. Some people have been to hell and back, and use (albeit unhealthy) coping mechanisms to get through things. 

I'm not going to tell you where I've been, as far as this stuff goes. You may assume, or point your finger, or do whatever it is that you'd like. Where I've been, I'm glad I've been there. HOWEVER. That saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is a load of it. It doesn't make you stronger. It makes you weak, and vulnerable. I've seen friends ditch school on hot days because they couldn't wear long sleeves to school without being questioned. I have friends who have attempted suicide. I have friends who have woken me up in anxiety attacks because they hurt so much that it's physically taking a toll on them. 

I'm blessed to have friends that trust me with things like this. I love them all so dearly, and I count my blessings. I'm also blessed with my fandom families who stand together with each other, even though most of us are just strangers on a particular realm in the blogosphere. 

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know... The feeling won't last forever.

Things will get better, I promise.
maybe not today
or tomorrow
or this month
maybe not even this year
But they WILL get better.
It won't be perfect, it will be messy...but nothing is worth hurting yourself or taking your life over.
I promise. 

If anyone reading this ever needs someone to talk to, private message me please.
Everyone deserves happiness, and everyone deserves a friend. 

***Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN OR HAVE ANY LEGAL INVOLVEMENT WITH THESE PROJECTS. I JUST SUPPORT THEM BECAUSE THEY'RE AWESOME AND LIFE-SAVING.***

This chapter is dedicated to six people. You six know who you are. Thank you all so much for helping me through everything. I love you guys. 

I just figure that even if I don't feel the best in the world right now, that all of you guys still deserve too. 

I love you all! Talk to you soon, friends. Thank you also for 300+ reads!
-T :)

My Week (basically from Winterfest to this weekend!)

Hello everyone! I'm actually not even sure how many of you read this, but thank you so much if you do. It makes me feel so special inside to know that I have 300+ reads right now. Anyways, straight down to business! 

Last weekend was phenomenal! I went to Winterfest 2015 in Tennessee, and it rocked my socks off. I got to know almost every single person in my youth group, and have established a couple of really strong friendships that I won’t soon tire of. Basically, it was this big church thing. It was in the arena where the Tennessee Volunteers play basketball, and we packed it out. God just completely showed up, and it was so powerful. Beyond powerful. I’m just so very blessed to be a part of my youth group, and we are all blessed with an epic youth pastor.

 I rode the church van there, and was so afraid that I’d have no one to talk to. Thank God that a few guys sat in the back with me (I insisted on having the most difficult seat in the van to get out of, just because.) We had nerdy discussions about musicals, acting, gaming, books, writing, and just all of my weird attributes that they happened to share with me. We ended up spending the entire weekend around each other: praying, talking, laughing, playing games, and just all around enjoying the newness of our friendships.

 I didn’t really know anyone in my youth group (aside from my brother and youth pastor) very well at all, and now I’m totally happy to say that I know them all pretty well. (If any of you are reading this, I totally love you guys!)

 Well, we went to Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg/all that stuff… I rode my first roller coaster, and it was awesome. One of the chaperones and I strayed from the group in Gatlinburg to go find somewhere unique to eat. Let’s just say that we found a restaurant that sold calzones the size of a newborn and leave it at that. We also went to this NASCAR place, and my youth pastor Garrett wrecked on 2/4 tracks that we did. (I wrecked on one, and laughed the entire time.) They also had those cheap-y carnival rides, and I acted like a child and rode them enthusiastically.

Matthew West and TobyMac were both performers at Winterfest, and they’re two of my all time favorite Christian artists. The nights were completely and totally life changing. I haven’t cried while praying on my knees like that in years. The second night was my personal favorite for a lot of reasons. The service was awesome (Planetshakers did our worship for the night) and I was in the affectionately dubbed “Christian mosh pit.” You could just feel the anointing. I cannot even put into words what it felt like, just that it was astounding to see the power of God portrayed like that.

 Anyways, after church, all of the girls (including myself) had turned into raccoons because it was super emotional. We went back to the resort we were staying at, and ended up having a small party in the girl’s suite. Everyone came over, and one guy brought his guitar. We just spent time singing and growing even closer together. It was just sooooo much fun.

I was genuinely sad on Sunday. We went to the NASCAR place and then to Fuddruckers for lunch. It was our last official stop before we started back on the road to get to West Virginia again. Everyone (with the exception of me, my friend Brandon, and the person driving the van) fell asleep. So, being the mature people that we are, Brandon and I proceeded to take pictures of everyone asleep to show them when they woke up. One kid fell asleep with a Steve (from Minecraft) head on. I don’t think I stopped laughing. When they all woke back up, we started calling our parents saying we would be a bit later than originally planned (none of us were too disappointed, to be honest…) and talked some more.

It was just nice to have some conversations with people all weekend. I don’t think that anyone got too tired of anyone, and drama was little-to-none.

Well, after getting home and catching up with my best friend about my weekend (he completely laughed at my roller coaster story) I decided to go to bed.

I wish I could say that my week was as good as my weekend, but it wasn’t. Not at all. Wednesday was alright, I guess. Church was awesome, but the day itself was about a 2/10. Yesterday was some better, I guess. (I guess about a lot of things, can you tell?) Today is Friday (THANK YOU, JESUS!) and I couldn’t be more grateful. Public education in a high school is the most discouraging thing in the entire universe. You feel trampled on a lot. School is just not my favorite thing in the world.

This week has just been long. I hope and pray that next week is better, because two weeks of just bleh is not something I can deal with. Where I live, we don’t get a Spring Break. That thought pressing on my brain isn’t helping either. Stress really sucks sometimes (all the time???)

ANYWAYS!!!!!!

How are you guys? Hopefully having a nice Friday evening. Probably out with friends or something. I totally wish that I was. Problem is, most of my friends work or just choose to exclude me from things. It hurts, but I bounce back pretty fast.

I keep getting asked about my attitude towards people, and all I can say is this. I forgive, I love, and I’m not one who abandons anyone. I’ve been wronged by people, but forget it. I don’t hold a grudge. I love like Jesus, or at least I am desperately trying to. Some things in my life are really good, but some things just straight up suck right now. I’m trying to fix it. I don’t enjoy feeling/being disheartened about things. Prayer is my best friend this week.

*****

Can we just change gears and talk about grammar for a second? My biggest pet peeve is probably listening to English teachers tell me that I don’t use correct grammar in my writing. Well, um… Duh?

My writing is mine. I like having a blank page that I can ink up in my own, personal way. My journal (totally not girly enough to call it a diary) is half a sketch book because I draw pictures in it, too. I write in blurbs, bursts, fragments, sentences, ALL CAPS, sarcastically, with strong dialect, without capital letters in the right place, with three dots in a row, with a crap ton of commas… It’s just my style of writing. No writer ever got published for conforming. Everyone has their own way of putting words to paper. Mine just happens to be an English teacher’s nightmare.

Rant over. I just needed that out of my system.

Well, since I don’t really have anything else to say, I guess I’ll talk to y’all later.

Have a very wonderful, blessed Friday night.

 -Lots of love, 

T

Rainy Days 3.4.15

Have you ever felt like writing, but you are at a genuine loss for words about what you could write that anyone would ever want to read? That's me right now. Currently, I don't have school tomorrow and it is pouring the rain outside.

Which, reminds me of a cute story. 

I don't know that it has to do with rain... I guess I'll tell you two or three weather related stories, then. 

When I was little, at my nana and grandad's house (which is now my house) it would always rain in the summertime. So when it rained, I would put on shorts and a t-shirt, or a bathing suit, and go play in this dip that would fill up with water. It was something I looked forward to as a kid, and it brought me immense joy. Well, when I moved to North Carolina when I was 11, my grandad had the dip filled in. I came back to one of the most memorable places I spent as a kid...and my favorite thing to do was gone. 

Another story is about me and this little girl my mom and dad used to babysit. We lived in this apartment complex outside of Greensboro, and it poured. The parking lot completely flooded... Most would probably have been frustrated with it, but I loved it.

Wlell, the little girl and I decided that we were going to go outside and play in the rain. (Mind you, it was a summer day in North Carolina. The temperature was at least 75 degrees, and it was humid as all get out.) I went and threw on my bathing suit, which at the time was a blue floral one-piece with a skirt because I have impeccable fashion tastes. I then grabbed my raincaot and wrapped up my small friend.

In the middle of summer we decided to go jump in puddles for a good hour. Yes, it was pouring the rain. Yes, it was probably the stupidest thing ever. Yes, we probably made complete fools of ourselves. 

BUT

I had so much fun doing it.

So did she.

My boyfriend of the time came over later that evening, and asked about my day. My smaller friend proceeded to tell him about how we ran through puddles in the pouring rain. I should've taken a picture of his face. He looked incredulously amused by the tale. It was just an all-around good rainy day. Rainy days in general are just good days. When there's not snow on the ground, I like to swing in the rain. I'll pull on a rain jacket, and go sit on a swing with earbuds in my ears. When I was younger, I'd just sit on my little blue swing and sing at the top of my lungs with my grandad. He'd sing "swinging in the rain" to the tune of "singing in the rain." I miss him a lot on rainy days.

Today was a mildly sad rainy day. I shattered my phone screen. (Laugh all you want- I am heartbroken over the ordeal.) See, my nana and grandad are the ones who got me my first cell phone, and they're the ones who got me this one. They both died last year, and it just means a lot to me. I am insanely big on sentimental value. My phone isn't just my baby because it's how I stay connected with people (aka my man friend, my mom, my gay best friend, and 3-4 of my female friends), but it means so much to me because it's the last thing they bought me together. 

I think it might've been raining that day, too.. I don't quite remember. 

I've also been kissed in the rain. It was a cute experience, especially since he is a very indoors-oriented person. I dunno. It was sweet. It's always sweet. We've also slow danced in the rain, and under a summer sky lit with heat lightning. We're quite the dorky pair, and these are all fond memories. 

Rain just soothes me. These days, even thunderstorms sooth me. 

Last summer, as I've mentioned before, I went to the beach with my friend K. One night, it poured the rain. We had this awful thunderstorm and it was just... Yeah. So of course, she and I go sit on the front porch swing at the beach house and talk for like two hours. It was awesome. Then we went inside and got food and watched movies through the storm.

I guess I just like rain. I've read a lot of books during rainstorms. My favorite place as a kid was behind my nana's chair in the living room of their house. I'd sneak out of bed with a book, and sit there and read for hours. Grandad would make popcorn, or he'd take pepperjack cheese and put it on tostitos chips... He'd sneak them to me, and nana would just laugh. Eventually, I would get tired and go back to bed. I don't ever remember an instance where they told my mom that I'd been up. 

It's raining

It's pouring

The old man

Is snoring... 

Well, with all of that being said, I'm going to go curl up and watch Netflix. I just really felt like writing and it's raining (and flooding!) where I live. Therefore, perfect topic. 

Goodnight everyone. I hope you're all safe, warm, and dry tonight where you are. 

-T :)

MUSIC, school, and other stuff... Oh, my!!! 3/2/15

I am currently sitting in front of a massive computer screen contemplating my day. Where I live, we got a whopping four feet of snow. Though we are well-equipped to deal with it, we haven't had school in two and a half weeks. Today was our first day back since February 11th. Holy crap, right? Anyways. Basically, I had a long day. We had a two-hour delay, so my slightly screwed up sleeping schedule was nursed a little bit. It's a blessing to be able to sleep until 8am when you've spent the past couple of weeks going to bed when the sun comes up. 

School today literally felt like a social experiment. We didn't learn anything, teacher's are just as behind as we are, and so I read fanfiction and drew in my sketchbook all day. (I also bragged about my sketch of Jared Padalecki/Sam Winchester that I did over our "Valentine's Break.") Imagine sitting in poorly decorated classrooms, staring at mostly blank walls, feeling your eyes glaze out.

With the exception of my psychology class...

I love my psychology class so much. Today (ironically enough!) we talked about sleep. My teacher explained that you do not physically feel the effects of lack of sleep until the day after the current day you woke up on. Which means, that for all of us night-owls out there, we're kind of screwed over when we finally catch those 6+ hours. 

...That'll be the day. 

Anyways, I partially entitled this music because that's what I'm doing right now. I have Pandora on via cellular device, and I'm just chilling on my computer. It feels genuinely nice to type on a real keyboard for once. No offense to my iPad keyboard, lol. I have on an Ed Sheeran station... Subject to change.

I am a song-changer. It annoys people to no end. Hehe. 

These past few weeks have been draining, and I don't even understand why considering I've done a whole lot of nothing. Now that school is back in session, I have to focus on things like school and work and homework and grades and blah and blah and blah.... All because I'm graduating early. 

Early graduating in my state, means that you have to attend college in order to be exempted from attendance. So, I have to do all of my Senior (12th grade, for my friends not from America) Core Classes in one semester to get the second one off and get started with college. I am beyond excited... And terrified? To be this close to my future. 

Most of my peers are freaking out because we have to make up our snow days into June... I'm basically indifferent. I don't usually do things with my summer. I went to the beach with a friend last year, and had the absolute time of my life with her. She is 100% awesome, and I actually met her through another friend via Wattpad. She's graduating this year. I feel like I should promote her on social media since she did away with her Wattpad account last year, but I shall ask her permission first. 

So what was I talking about again...?

Oh yeah! Summer! My band director (yeah, I'm in marching band, go ahead and laugh) made a new rule that in order to be in the color guard, you must be in the class for the semester. This is the only branch of band that has it as a requirement. Now? I can't pursue one of my new-found greatest passions. The girls on guard are my family, and no matter what, they will still be my family. It frustrates me to no end, but what can I do? Unfair bias towards a girl-dominated sport is mildly misogynistic, don't ya think? Rant aside, it's all because I can't take his class because I want to pursue college early. 

So this summer, I don't have Summer Band. I don't have a beach trip. I don't really have any plans, to be completely honest, aside from the fact that I'll be seventeen. I need plaaaans. Sooner, rather than later. Hopefully I'll get to go invade my friend/twin M's house and eat all of her vegetarian food and force her to sit through hours of Supernatural with me.

Speaking of,

I CAN'T BELEIVE WE HAVE TO WAIT TWO MORE WEEKS FOR THIS NEW EPISODE!!!

I understand that the producers and CW want to do these hiatus thingies to make it where the show lasts throughout the year, mostly so that we don't storm the sets and demand new episodes... With that statement being said, I don't think that Jared and Jensen realize how crazy the SPN Family really is. We're like the ugly sweater wearing, loud mouthed family that sits at the end of the table at Christmas dinner... Misha knows, he's just waiting to unleash us as the ultimate prank on the boys. 

...T needs a life, doesn't she? 

Anyways, I was bored and wanted to update those of you who actually read this thing on my day. I hope all of you had an excellent Monday, and that you have an excellent Tuesday too.

Lots of love, 

T ;D