An Update & Transparency

Hi guys!

Wow... It's been a very long couple of weeks up in my alley.

I turned SEVENTEEN. 
Which is mildly devastating, because I still wish that I was sixteen. But only because of the song. If you get that reference, we can be best friends. If you don't, go watch The Sound of Music.

Anyways, I started at my new school last week. Thank God that I spoke to one stranger, because through her, I have made several friends. (*cough cough* Amy *cough cough*) 

I still text people in class (Shame on me, right? I'm pulling ahead in 2 AP classes, so, whatever.), but mostly just my friends Bethany and Alissa. It's funny because Bethany is surrounded by people she knows, and I'm surrounded by mostly strangers, but I think I feel more comfortable than she does in school. Odd, right?

Now on to what people care about. 
My Theatre Performance class is literally the best thing that's ever happened to me. I have so missed the Improv games, productive goofing around, and just that immense feeling of acceptance. I'm blessed to have made it into their class, and I think they're the best group of the people in the world at present.  (I may be just a bit biased, but oh well.)

~

Story time really quick before I tackle my topic tonight. 

So last week, as most of you know, I turned 17. It was a pretty good day I guess. But school literally made me feel like the lowest of the low. Being the new kid on the first day is just a tad bit overwhelming, you know? Anyways. Bethany casually texted me that she might come over after school, and then went on talking about school; my friend Scott completely avoided the topic of my birthday in discussion. 

Talk about feeling like crap.

I genuinely thought that they'd both forgotten about my birthday. Like, a couple of other people texted me, but I literally hadn't shut up about my birthday at church the night before. 

Anyways, I went home and got the hoodie that my mom and dad got for me. I love it, but it isn't cold enough to wear it a lot up here yet. (I am not complaining -- I like warm weather a lot.) I slipped it on because there was a breeze, and went outside to talk to my mom. 

She could tell I was down, and I didn't really wanna talk about it tbh. 

A few minutes later, I hear a car pull up in my driveway. 
Bethany walks around the corner of my house holding a bag, and tells me happy birthday. 
She hands me said bag, and tells me that I needed to thank Scott too, because they met and picked out something to get me.

I clutched the very wonderful Save Rock and Roll (by Fall Out Boy, yes, I AM that person) vinyl album, and sobbed. 

Last Thursday was a very difficult day for me, as it was my first birthday without all of my grandparents. I was very distraught and brought down. You can imagine... I'm not gonna dwell on the sadness I felt, but literally, the surprise of the record was just... Yeah. Wow. 

Literally blessed a thousand times over for friends like that. You guys are the literal best. #JustSaying :)

~

Onto my main topic of the evening... Transparency. Not the whole see-through ghost kind of transparency, but that level of understanding that only some people have. 

I have friends that literally just have to look at me to know immediately what's wrong, or what's right. Most of my friends are the kind of people that would shove me into the guy I like and then smirk at my awkward frustration. God bless, lol.

I've just been pondering this whole idea of who to be transparent to. Not just that, but also what to be transparent about. 

I have greatly learned from experience that there are some things safe to share, and some things that might as well be life or death. 

My suggestions to you (via my awful experiences) are this: 
If you like someone? Keep it to yourself.
If you have anxiety? Don't tell people that don't have to know.
If you screw up? Don't publicize it.
If you're hurting? Only tell people that you trust with your life.
If you feel depressed? Talk to friends AND to a trusted adult. Same goes for self-harm and suicidal thoughts. 
If you're in a bad situation? Only tell people that can actively help you get out of it. Don't tell gossip queens/kings. 

Just remember those things. I'm sure there are some that I left out, but oh well.

I'm just pretty sure that I need to be more transparent and come out of my shell a little bit more. I am very intimidated by certain peoples' opinions of/about me. Especially those that I like or consider close friends. They basically make or break me. I strive to be what God wants me to be, and not just who I want to be... All of those good things. 

I literally pray regularly for God to improve my people skills. Not my social skills, but to get rid of the crippling social anxiety I feel. One of the few places I don't have that anxiety is on stage. Another place is here. This is my sanctuary. My quiet place. My comfort-zone. Words are the way that I convey things. To me, words are easy. Words are...safe.

If you were to go read my Twitter rants, I promise that they are unlike any other rants in the universe. I literally talk to myself. I don't care if people see, follow, or even care for that very matter. I care. 

But I do have this secret longing to be cared about, I guess. 

Specifically cared about, in certain cases. 

But, until they create giant neon signs that are portable, I'll sit here awkwardly and pretend that people aren't clueless and that I just need to wait. 

I am firmly convinced that my future is in God's hands. Now, I really hope that he gives me courage to pursue my dreams, and to, well, pursue my pursuits, but all on his time. I'm totally not one for rushing into things, but, yeah. 

(See, on here I can only talk in an overview. Pray for people like Bethany who have to actually hear the entire rants, lol.)


~

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my updates and ranting. I had church tonight, and it was really powerful, and I just needed to write tbqh. 

Well, I have school tomorrow.. Meh. 

I guess I'll talk to you guys as soon as I can!!!

-Love, Tori :)

p.s. SHOUTOUT TO MY LITTLE BROTHER WHO IS VARSITY FOOTBALL SECOND STRING LONG-SNAPPER. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!! <3 

The Real Grieving Process

Hello, everyone.

Today is such a somber day around my house and throughout my family. 

I have a lot of thoughts to say, and this is just the way I'm better at expressing them. Spoken words are too cheap to express my emotions, or my explanations. 

Today we laid a wonderful woman to rest, and I promise that I will miss her until the day that I get to see her again in Heaven. My heart absolutely breaks now...

I miss having grandparents. 

I miss my Granddad and the way that he held me in such high regards. I miss him grabbing my hand when I leave the living room in my house. I miss his voice, his laughter, and his smile. I miss singing and swinging with him. I miss the ham salad sandwiches that he'd make for just us, or the trips we'd randomly take to the New River Gorge Bridge.

I miss my Nana. I miss her condescending tone whenever she knew that I could do better. I miss going shopping with her, especially for school. I miss watching her sit and work on IEP's for hours at the dining room table. I miss Easy Listening, and Jeopardy, and the evening news. I miss DC and New York. I miss her obsessive novel reading. 

I miss my Grammy and the joy she always brought. I miss, "How's your love life, kid?" I miss how much she cared about everyone, no matter what walk of life they were in. I miss the trips to her house, when I knew that she was going to greet me with a, "Well hello, sweetie! And how is my Tori today?" I miss her puppy dog, and the love she had for children. I miss the stories she told, and the way she prayed for everyone. 

It's a very strange time in my life, and I'm at a very strange place. Not having grandparents, well... If you've lost yours, then you know the pain. If you haven't? Then I promise that there is no way I could explain it in a way that could make you begin to understand. Yes, I know that some of you have lost aunts and uncles, cousins, stuff like that... But parents and grandparents are much different. 

I love my mom and dad, and I wish that God would give me the ability to help guide them both through this rough time in all of our lives. We are all so very broken, even if we appear to be fixed together on the outside. I'd use a metaphor to explain it, but at present I'm all out of figurative language to address how I'm feeling inside. This is the worst feeling I've ever had in my life. 

Nobody really knows that I feel this way, and nobody really will unless they read this blog. 
I came home today, after my Grammy's service, and slept for three hours on my couch in a dress. I have eaten far too much today. My stomach is in knots. My heart is broken. 

I have tried to find people to talk to, and a few of you have opened your arms and hearts to me. Thank you if you have; I absolutely would be more of a mess if you guys weren't so caring and present in my life. I don't really have time for people who don't have time for me, because as I'm learning, life is far too short to be waiting around for crap to happen and for people to care. 

In my city, a girl that graduated from a high school I used to attend recently passed away. She was killed in an accident, and it was absolutely tragic. I didn't know her personally, but it was a sharp reminder that life is short! That is what I'm learning, surrounded by all of this death and dying. Life is too short to hold grudges, or to maintain feuds. I'm not saying don't dislike someone, I'm saying don't desert your family because of things that happened 30 years ago. 

As I watch my dad, who is my hero (Although I'm not quite sure that he knows that, so if you're reading this dad? You're my hero! I love you!) rekindle a relationship with his oldest brother, my heart is just...broken, but not in the bad way.

I feel more lonely right now than I have ever felt in my entire life. There's no other way to explain. It's like, a sick joke. I keep thinking, hoping, praying that I'll wake up one morning and hear Granddad's oxygen tank, or Nana bringing in groceries. 

Missing Grammy is new. So fresh, and so painfully raw in my heart. I was close to her in a different way, and I've no doubt that her prayers are the reason that I was even conceived. Mom was told that she'd never have kids, and she had no intent of ever pursuing any of Grammy's sons when she met her. Thank you, God, for bringing her into my mother's life. Thank you for listening to my Grammy pray for all of us, not just my family, but her church family. 

Her church family... There aren't words enough for the gratitude I hold in my heart towards them all. They showed us so much love and kindness today. They prepared food for us, and there was a huge cake that had Grammy's face printed on it in a special way. To Pastor Tim, who I hope will see and read this, thank you for being a spiritual rock in my Grammy's life. And to Kim, thank you for being a friend and prayer partner to her. To the rest of you, who I don't know personally, thank you for the hugs and beautiful things you said about my grandmother. You each held some sort of special place in her heart. Her prayer basket was full of names, and her prayers full of love and belief. 

I could go on for days thanking people. There are so many to thank, so many to hug, and so many to love. 

Just, well, you guys get it. 

I am just mourning in a very real way right now. Of course, I always kind of tried to imagine what life would be like without the three of them... But I never imagined that it would hurt so very bad. 

I know with all of my heart that Grammy, Nana, Granddad, my Grandpa Grady, my Great-Great Aunt Lou, and my GG are all up in Heaven together right now. I miss you all, and I wish that you could call Heaven, because I'd love to hear your voices again. 

I have typed this post with a heavy heart, and with tears in my eyes. I have not cried in front of people really, but I've cried a lot in private. 

I was responsible for making a slideshow of pictures for the service, and then converting and burning the presentation to two CD's. This process was tedious, but a lot of fun. I learned a lot more about presentation making, and I learned about my family in ways that I never have before. 

Anyways, I stayed up until 2am this morning finalizing everything. Twice yesterday, I just walked into my bathroom and shut the door and sobbed. It was just... Massively emotional. It absolutely broke my heart to know that I won't see Grammy's face anymore, aside from pictures. Talking about Nana and Granddad has become more bearable, since I've had time to accept and grieve. But with this new wave of loss, talking about all of them just brings a lump to my throat. 

I was given the privilege today of reading my mom's favorite Psalm at Grammy's service. It's Psalm 103, and it was one that Grammy also was very passionate about and wanted read at her service. I shared some brief memories, and then sang Jesus Loves Me. I didn't tell anyone, but Grammy was the person who taught me that song when I was little. 

Today (August 8th) is her birthday, if I haven't mentioned that yet. When a memorial service came up in conversation, I had immediately suggested we do it today. It had to do with when the family would receive the ashes back and all of that technical stuff. My aunt in charge of the estate agreed, checked with the rest of the family, and then began to plan. 

Towards the end of the service today, my aunt Iris lead us in singing Happy Birthday to Grammy. I know that she misses her big sister terribly, all of the sisters do (there are four), and that this was such a healing gesture. I had not cried at all today up to that point, but I sobbed the second she suggested singing it. In fact, just thinking about it and typing about it has tears streaming down my face. I was unable to sing any of the song, but I know that Grammy would understand. 

Happy Birthday in Heaven, Grammy. It is going to be awful celebrating my birthday next week without you and Nana, but I know that you guys are with me in spirit. I've already had to miss Granddad through one birthday, so I'm sure he'll be up there to make some witty comment or to make sure that those happy tears are genuinely happy. 

God, I miss you all. 
My heart breaks every moment I dwell on how much I miss you guys. 
I cannot way to see you guys again. I know I've said it a million times, but I mean it with all of my heart and soul.

Thank you to people at church and in my RFKC family that have pretty much adopted me as a granddaughter. You guys don't understand the depth of healing that you bring to me. Especially you, Aurora and Bill (if you guys read this, which I sincerely hope that you do.) I love all of you so much, and have even more non-expressible gratitude towards you all. 

~ 

" You are my sunshine,

  My only sunshine,

  You make me happy, 

  When skies are gray...

  You'll never know dear,

  How much I love you,

  Please don't take, 

  My sunshine,

  Away. "

-Tori

"Dear Future Husband..."

Hello everyone! 

So I'm sure with it being the end of the summer that most of you are familiar with Meghan Trainor's song, "Dear Future Husband." Am I right? 

If not, here's the link to the music video. (I personally prefer to watch the "Music Video Sins" version of this video, but it's for those with higher tolerances of language for humor.) 

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShlW5plD_40]

Basically, she destroys both feminism and housewife ideals with one giant catchy song. Her idea of a future husband is someone who buys her pizza and supports her "big girl" esteems and whatnot. Quite frankly, I think it's a joke. Not the music video, but her personal views as a husband. 

One thing I struggle with in my life is making guy friends that don't look at me like I'm a guy. Here recently, I've been more motivated to be girly and stuff to prove that indeed I am a girl. Plus I kind of really like the cleaned up version of myself. I also have begun this wonderful journey of praying for the man that God has intended me to be with. 

You see, I see so many of my friends pursuing guys they have interest in, and getting accepted. 
I have several friends who have several male pursuits. 
I have those friends that guilt me for wanting a relationship. 
I have the older adults who say that I'm "just a baby" and don't need to be "getting serious" at such a young age. 
I have the guy friends pursuing the girls that don't realize that they exist, and getting their hearts broken on a typical basis. 
I have close friends in abusive relationships, or in recently broken up relationships that went very badly. 

But let's stop for a second. 
What the heck happened to chivalry?! 
What happened to high school sweethearts, and slow dances, and all of that mushy-gushy stuff that Nicholas Sparks and John Green write about? 

"But Tori, it's 2015, no one thinks like that anymore..." 

Well, pardon me for wanting a man. Not a man by age, but a man by the real definition. 
And a man of God at that. 

I don't seek the physical intimacy that most of my peers, heck, most of the nation seeks. 
I want a man who let's me pick the radio station, who picks me up to go run errands, who shows me off to not just his friends, but his family... I just want somebody legitimate, who is seeking someone to have fun with and not just another hook up. 

Call me crazy for having these "childlike" ideals, but yeah, I have them! 

When I was little, like probably around five years old, I had the little girl notions of love and Prince Charming. My little girl idea of a future husband was definitely the one I need to get back to. I don't expect him to be perfect. I just expect him to be real. Somebody who realizes that there's absolutely nothing wrong with being yourself, even if your real self is someone you've been told to grow out of. 

~

A couple of months ago, I saw a blogger write an article called, "Dear Future Husband..." and got the spectacular idea to write one myself. I'm going to write it and share it with you here, because I feel like we're all close enough now for me to share this with you. I'll talk more after the letter. 

Dear Future Husband, 

First of all, hi! I cannot wait to meet you! 
(And if by some chance that we've already met, then I can't wait for God to direct our paths in each others' direction so that we can get this show on the road.)

I want to start this letter off by saying that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for giving my heart away too many times, and I'm sorry that it's probably been broken several times before meeting you. 

I also want to tell you that I'm praying for you. I pray over you, I pray for your family, and I pray for every person you come into contact with. I also pray for your heart, and for anybody who's taking care of it before it's my turn. 

I want to tell you something. I don't want you to be perfect. I sincerely hope that you don't think you are, because I really want you to know what imperfections and struggles are. I don't want you to suffer, but I want you to know how to serve. Not me, not at some fancy restaurant, but like Jesus does.

I know that God has given you a since of humor, or you wouldn't be marrying me. He's also given you discernment to see past the silly walls I've put over the years, and for that I am eternally grateful. I know that you will be able to make me laugh and smile when times are tough, and that we will be able to accomplish the unthinkable together.

I also know that because I have prayed for you, that even if you have struggled, God has his hand on your life. He has directed each step you've taken, and prepared your heart and your life for me. In the same way, I certainly hope that you've prayed for me. 

No, I don't expect you to be the sole worker in the family. However, I do want you to be the provider and the head of our household. I will submit to you, but not in the complete obedience without a voice way. I will hold you accountable just as much as you hold me accountable, because marriage is a covenanted partnership, not a dictatorship. 

As I pray for you now, probably years ahead of time (in reference to marriage, I really hope that meeting you has either already happened or is just on the horizon), I pray for a friend. I know that in my life right now, there are many candidates of possible boyfriends and such, but I hope that someone I date is you/leads me to you. 

God knows my heart, and he knows yours. I pray for a love that is stronger than the world's current opinions of it. I will go into this covenant with you someday, earnestly meaning my vows. In those vows, traditionally, I want to have and to hold you for all of our lives. I plan on our marriage being my only, and I pray that we go into this agreement with God first, and us later. 

If I know you now and you don't know Jesus, I hope with all of my heart that I can introduce you to Him. If you do know him, then you will understand without me saying anything. 

I want our love to be upheld by the definition in 1st Corinthians, and for it to bind us together in unity as stated in Colossians. 

I love you already, whether you know it or not... And I know without worry that what's meant to be, will be. If our lives are already somewhat together, I pray for wisdom and courage to go the next mile and to be brave and face the world together like God intends for us to. 

I say these words with all of the conviction in the world. 

Love and prayers, 

Tori. <3 

~

So... There you go. There's my letter. Yes, there are guys in my life that I like. No, this is not necessarily intended for/directed towards them. It's something that God put on my heart to write, so I did. 

This is just me showing what I desire in the man I marry. 
I hope that you guys understand the idea behind it, and I totally encourage everyone struggling in this area of life to sit down and write this kind of letter. 
Let this letter be your prayer, and let it bring you hope. Let God also bring you hope, and know that there is nothing impossible with him on your side. 

~

This is all I wanted to write about today, so I hope you guys liked it.

I've been busy making a slideshow for my grandmother's memorial service this weekend, and planning school stuff. 

I still can't grasp the fact that I'm a senior... 

Oh well. School starts next week, so I'm sure that you guys will know when it hits me sooner or later. 

Love to all of you! I hope you're all enjoying your last month of summer break!
(If you work, then I hope you enjoyed the vacation days you received this summer!)

-Tori :)