It's a Heart Thing

Sometimes in life, things happen that are way beyond the control of mankind. Some of these things are miraculous, some devastating, and some are just things that you have to learn to work through. I think that the past 10 years of my life have been full of these uncontrollable circumstances. 

I think the knee-jerk reaction to these kinds of situations is fear. The kind of fear that causes your stomach to begin knotting itself better than any boy scout could. If you're like me? Fear, sadness, anger, and massive anxiety all walk hand-in-hand. Actually, they skip hand-in-hand. 

Everything kind of loops back to your heart, though. Not the one that looks like a fist that beats in your chest (although it can get the short end of the stick if your body reacts like mine.) I'm specifically alluding to the one that's in your head. The one that decides to love, hate, fear, think... Pretty much everything. Thoughts are pumped like blood, day in and day out. Emotions are concocted and ignored and overpower even some of the strongest. 

Today I've been thinking a lot about, well, hearts.

Metaphorical,

and the muscle that makes sure that my body works. 

Well, not my body in particular.

My dad’s.

He has to have major surgery in the way too near future, and it's open heart, and that's just uncharted territory for my family.

At one point in my life, at around ten years old, he was told he needed a heart transplant.

We moved to North Carolina about a year after that awful diagnosis, but it's only gotten better. Hope for his health has only gotten better. His heart has gotten better in so many ways, and he was told a few years ago that he didn’t need a transplant after all. His heart appeared to be healing by itself. (Ahem, prayer works ladies and gents.)

Anyways, the metaphorical heart has a lot in common with the real one. If it isn’t in the right place, then you can’t live right. If you don’t love right, you don’t live right. That’s definitely a fact, at least deduced by me at this point in my life.

Today I have evaluated those that I love the most, and those that I love the very least. I try not to dislike people, even people who’d probably like to hit me with a bus. Ask my friends, I’m a person who forgives pretty easily. To the most deserving, and the least deserving of people.

They kind of think I’m an idiot because of it sometimes, but that’s okay. Forgiveness is a big part of love, you know?

Even in the Bible, the most referenced verse about love says that it holds no record of wrongs.

Love, within itself, is a force of forgiveness. I think that’s a lesson that has been difficult to learn for me, people my age, and adults that have a reason to not want to grant forgiveness.

People have judged me for years for the copious amounts of forgiveness I have granted, and today I think I realized that some people don’t like that people have forgiven me for stupid things I’ve done over the years.

I can promise you that I’m anything but the person I was in middle school, and since graduating, I’m becoming a different person than I was when I started high school.

Now, my thoughts are mine. My beliefs are personal, and with conviction. My relationships and friendships are different, because I understand how the world works. It isn’t a place that grants your every want or desire. It isn’t a place meant to be comforting, definitely not a place to ask for handouts.

This world is a place where you have to fight to live, survive, and thrive. You have to have faith in something, whether it’s God, people, family, or love. You have to work really, really hard to achieve something. Just because you have what it takes doesn’t mean that you’ll get anywhere. You have to push on, and push through.

Love is like the heart.
Love is like the world.

Love keeps people fighting.

We hear that love is love, and that everyone deserves it. We are a nation, a people, a world that long to be loved. Love works so well. It patches up hurts, it releases burdens, and it provides hope.

But-

Some people lose hope or faith in it because of things that destroy their fighting spirit. They drown in the forces trying to steal their happiness, and forget that love is a force to be reckoned with.

It does work, it works really well, but not if you spend every waking moment drowning in self-pity and resentment. Past things are not something to be constantly referred to. They are there to make peace with, to learn from, and to remind you to keep on the road to the journey in front of you.

Today I am making a monumental decision to love.

Above everything else, I’m putting on love, to hold myself together. If everyone else would do this, we would be unstoppable. Instead, people are loading their guns, preparing to suit up and fight battles, and trying to take the feet out from under whatever holds opposition.

Love, well, it’s a heart thing. It’s a very open heart thing. You have to be very open, very personal, and you have to be willing to tear down walls that you put up to protect yourself.

My walls mostly consist of attitude, resentment, and sarcasm. I’m not going to lie to you guys- I put up walls like crazy. People don’t like me because sometimes I’m tough to get through to. I don’t like that about myself, but I’m not going to let that keep me from my full potential anymore.

I’m always very transparent with you guys, for some reason. I know that some of you live in other countries, some of you read this to get inside of my head, some of you read this for advice, and some just read it because I ask them to.

This post is for me.

I don’t care how many reads it gets, or how far across the world it goes, or anything like that. I do hope that it gets to somebody who’s losing their mind like I am right now. First of all, I want to know that I’m not the only one. Second of all, I need you guys to know that you’re never alone. Not ever.

I started this blog, way back when, to get across a point of love. Love in a time of grief. I have blogged through many seasons now; of sickness, health, joy, sorrow, resentment, hurt, pain, church hurt, friendship, love, and many other things.

Now I’m just kind of here. I like to share my stories. I love to give my thoughts. Writing is very healing for me, and I’ve been told that a couple of people would like me to shut up and stop.

Which, to be quite frank with everyone reading, is never going to happen.

I am very loud, opinionated, and driven.

This is a sanctuary for me to fall to my knees and be alone to pray, reflect, laugh, and cry. This is my place to testify, to hold, to draw attention to. It is a place where I feel safe and loved.

I’m not going anywhere. I’m sticking around.

I’m tired of being disliked for things. Especially things not within my control, and things of the past. Today, and from here on out, I’m embracing love in any form it comes.

I am going to love those that it’s hard to love, and I am going to unconditionally love the people that others scoff at me for loving. They, well, he is a monumental part of who I am. He is extraordinary. I’m going to love him, even when people every day remind me that he’s so hard to reach. I’m going to love him through whatever he needs to be loved through, and I’m gonna work on myself too.

I’m just gonna love people, from this day forward. No matter where, no matter when, and no matter who.

I will pine for the love of those I’ve lost through death, and I will pine for the love of those that I must experience at a distance.

My mind, body, and spirit are just aligned together now to be someone who loves. Somebody who will extend a hand to help people up that have pushed me down and walk away.

I’m done fighting battles that end in heartbreak.

I’m ready to start fighting battles for even the people who have broken my heart.

I choose love.

I choose full, unapologetic, unconditional, open-hearted love.

-Tori <3 

Shots Heard Around the World 6.12.16

To start off this post, I'm going to provide a disclaimer that if you are anti-gay or anti-Muslim, this is not a post that will be very reader friendly to you. 

So, with that being said, I'll arrive at my subject matter with a heavy heart. 

It breaks my heart that we in America reside in a society where people choose to handle their disagreements in violent and tragic ways. Sadness overwhelms me when I look around and see people that don't believe the same turning weapons on one another without trying to handle their situations like adults. 

On Friday night, June 11th, 2016- a man walked into an Orlando nightclub and opened fire. 50 people, people with friends and family, people that were at this club to have a good time, people who were probably young and just starting out in the world, were gunned down by a man claiming to be apart of a terrorist group. 

Today in America, people are weighing in their opinions. In places where religiosity rules- people are claiming God ordained this to happen. People are being fearful of Islam and saying that all Muslims are bad and have it out for Americans. Neither of these things, in my opinion, are true at all. 

Last night, Los Angeles was having a Pride celebration, and police managed to catch a man who was on his way with explosives and assault rifles. 

Both men had intentions that were ultimately devastating. The Orlando shooter said that he was "triggered" by the sight of two men kissing, and that he felt the need to take the lives of 50 people. Well, I'm no expert, but I can at least say this- if you don't want to see two men kissing? Don't go to a gay nightclub on nights where Pride is being celebrated across America. Don't go to a gay nightclub, period. 

It makes no sense to me how people can hold this much hatred in their hearts. 

Our founding fathers did not include a Bill of Rights with a 2nd Amendment granting us the freedom to bear arms for us to open fire on each other because of disagreements. In fact, the founding fathers prefaced the 2nd Amendment with the 1st Amendment, giving people the right to [interpretively] express themselves and worship whom they please. 

However, your Constitutional rights as an American citizen don't give you the right to overstep someone else's. 

And to Christians who think that the victims yesterday 'deserved' what happened to them? Shame on you. Shame on you for promoting the love of Jesus as the euthanizing of sinners. Might I indeed remind you that Jesus died for all sins. Not just yours. You may need to spend some time on your knees praying if you believe that hatred and murder are the ways to go. 

And to Christians who blame all Muslims for this disgusting act of violence? You are wrong. It was a man that openly admitted to terrorism. Terrorism. How can you equate terrorism and violence to a religion in which people are practicing faith, peace, and justice? 

My mother had the opportunity at work to meet a Muslim family. A family that hugged her, wished her well, and said that they would pray for her. They asked her about different things, and she spoke openly with them. When she said that she attributes all of her health and wellbeing to God, this family rejoiced with her and claimed that God is a man of miracles.

Have whatever opinion you desire about that encounter, but I will use that to attest to the fact that Islam is not a faith in which people are waiting around to murder those who do bad things. They hold those in their faith accountable to things, just like Christians do. 

Quite frankly, if it isn't your religion, and you aren't interest in converting, you don't really have the right to tell anyone that their faith is one of rage and heat of the moment actions. Their faith is solemn and revered, but they also celebrate and fast and pray for one another. In fact, I've had Muslim friends say that they will pray for me. How can I respond to that negatively? Even if I don't have the same belief system- I still smile and say thank you. It's wonderful when someone takes out of their time to send up some kind of reverence for you, you know? 

You know that old saying "it's the thought that counts?" 
Approach matters like that, with that saying. 
(In a kind way, not a sarcastic way.) 

Anyways- my point is this. 

Guns were fired 300+ years ago to fight for the freedom to become a nation accountable for itself, and where people are welcome to come to find that same freedom. 

Guns are fired in this century with the hopes of taking something from someone- and that something is usually a life. 

(I am not talking about the men and women that risk their lives oversees and on the home front everyday to maintain our freedoms. I am talking about people who seek out guns for the purpose of hurting someone else. Twisted justice.)

Violence is not the answer. Neither is seclusion as a nation- especially not building a wall to keep people out or in. 

Are we not the "land of the free, and the home of the brave?" 
Our bravery now falters at the idea of people immigrating here for a better life, when once, we used to rejoice in immigration and the growth of a good nation. 

The phrase "make America great again" has little to no power, as America has not known many positive greats in her lifetime. She's known Great Depression, great disaster, great war, great amounts of devastation, and great amounts of racism and discrimination. 

Can we not just make her stable and free, again?
How about we make her beautiful again? 

Can we not create a nation where purple mountains tower majestic in the clouds, and where people welcome new people with open arms into great freedom? We do not need to make her great again- as again implies a sense of history repeating itself. 

How about we make her great once and for all? 

It is not fair that groups of people fear for their lives every single day because people don't agree with the way they live. It is not justice for someone gay, Muslim, Christian, hispanic, latino, black, or white, to be shot for being any of those things. 

How about- we become a nation built on love? 

Freedom comes out of love. 

I believe that prayer is also a solution, but not just prayer. Great works. Actions. 
Protecting the lives of people we disagree with because, speaking from the Christian POV, didn't Jesus die for everyone's sins? 

We need massive healing across this nation. Hearts, minds, and souls. We need to rise up and let these shootings and shots against freedom be our call to actions. We as young, old, native, or immigrant Americans need to figure out where our hearts are. Because if they aren't in the same place- this isn't going to work. 

These shots heard around the world should insight a new revolution. A social revolution. A spiritual revolution. They need to keep people up at night. They need to cause a bit of an uproar. We need to be hurt, moved, and ready to take a stand for our nation. 

No more of this sitting during the Pledge of Allegiance bull- even though it is your right to stand or sit. We need to pledge honest allegiance to this nation, and find ways in everyday life to ensure "liberty, and justice- for all."

My heart, love, and prayers go out to the victims of last night's shooting. 

I pray for peace, answers, and ultimately justice. 

No one deserves to lose a family member or a friend in that tragic of a way. 

Yes- I know people might disagree with me. That's okay. I'm not making this to be agreed with. I'm making this to call attention to a problem that we have in America. Mass shootings do not need to be the next epidemic that we suffer through. 

Everyone needs to join together in prayer, and join together in action. 

Let's help contribute to make a nation that people are proud to live in- and that is safe for every kind of people. 

-Tori <3 

p.s. Hurt people, hurt people. But- loved people? Love people.