Friendship is a very relative thing, and over the last year, I have encountered situations and people that I never imagined that I would in my whole life.
For example, I am closer now to the guy in my Geology 101 class that supports Trump than I am to people that swore their alliance and trust to me all throughout my middle and high school years.
I am closer to the girls at my university who went to Christian school, and now make fun of their experiences with me.
I am closer with my friend Haleigh, who sits with me in psychology, and laughs with me about stupid videos on Facebook, than I am with people who promised that they would be my best friend forever.
My boyfriend is my best friend, and people ridicule me for that. I have learned to accept that fate, though. He is such a strong-willed and strong-minded individual, and he is teaching me to be more like him. My trust in him breathes with lungs of its own, and I am not afraid to reveal my biggest fears and wants with him.
People who swore up and down that they would always be there for me, have turned up missing.
I have severed ties with people who were hurting me emotionally. Severing some, more specifically one or two, of those bonds was almost impossible. There are nights when my fingers type unsent text messages to people who I know will not reply. I have burned bridges, for good and justifiable reasons, and have to accept that. People who I wanted to be by me while I experienced college and adulthood- many of them have decided to part ways with me.
I have sacrificed friendships for my own morals and beliefs. Speaking out on behalf of people who need a voice never seems to bode well for people holding a microphone. People who have refused to relinquish some kind of power struggle are those that I have now chosen to live over a year without, and so far, it has benefited me.
My mom, bless her, is my closest companion. She listens to me, and loves me unconditionally. I am learning that this is not a common feature of moms, and that many of my friends have not been so lucky as to have someone so amazing raise them. Though I have her to share with and confide in, I still find myself longing for companionship with those my own age.
I tend to dissuade people around me from associating with me. I am different, some may even call me strange, but I have learned to embrace those words. Words that use to sting and plant negativity in my life are now just seeds that die and fall from malnourished soil. I do not water or spend time harvesting seeds of discord that do not have plans to better me as an individual.
I have dyed my hair, gotten a tattoo, reformatted myself inside and out, spent hundreds of dollars on clothes (a luxury, because I got hand me downs and Walmart brand clothes for years), and have spent several paychecks browsing Sephora for vegan and cruelty-free makeup because it's something I've gotten really into.
I did the same thing my Sophomore year of high school, between the deaths of my grandparents. My friend Erica helped me do my hair, and she taught me some makeup tricks that I still use to this day. Another friend my Freshman year in North Carolina taught me how to do eyeliner, and that was also an awesome experience. I also write. Like, a lot. To a point where it's probably considered some various form of obsessive-compulsive disorder with how much enjoyment I get out of writing and journaling all of my problems. All of these things have become parts that make up who I am.
I am rapidly learning that I do not need friends.
Sure, psychologically speaking, I need human contact.
I can gather that through school, work, and through every hospital visit that my dad has to take.
I don't know how to say this, but like, I'm done.
If you don't want to be in my life, just say so. Tonight I almost picked up the phone and dialed someone who I know would not answer. But she might have. But I didn't.
I feel like I am being pulled into pieces. Drawn and quartered by life, if you will. My dad is sick again, we are in a small financial bind, we are being forced into moving (loooong story, post to come on that in the near future), and I am trying to balance working with a full school schedule.
Basically, I just don't have time for people who don't have time for me.
If you want to stay in my life, I am sure that there will be contact and effort. Outside of that, I am not sure that I will ever go the extra mile for anyone ever again. It hurts too much.
Emotionally toxic people are a force to be reckoned with. People are going to take this very personally, but I am not writing to or about anyone in particular. I am simply summarizing the huge void in my life that I wish I could fill, but cannot seem to find any way to do so.
Also, I use the word "bullshit" in my vernacular now. So, yeah. That's a thing. When you have to basically discern large amounts of it from the truth every day, you learn that it is a socially acceptable thing to say.
Besides, it isn't cursing if you're yelling it at a situation/object.
Words only have value because we give them value.
And boy, isn't is just a giant middle finger to the people in my life who spent their time conditioning me to not use such language or "four letter words" in my speech patterns and mannerisms. (Not my parents. They don't really do the censorship thing. They know that if it comes out of my mouth, I mean it. This is more directed towards my maternal grandmother. Those of you who knew her will understand firsthand what I'm saying.)
All in all, I just needed to make a post to say that I am the friendly neighborhood blogger. I am a friend to all, and to none. I am there for people when they are sad and alone, and I never expect to receive the same treatment back because it has never happened before. At least not consistently.
I am the "loner."
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| (this picture is not my work and does not belong to me, I found it on Tumblr and will credit the creator if I find one) |
When I search through my phone, there are only a handful of people that I know will respond or take me seriously about things that I'm going through. To the select few of you, I am very thankful that you are in my life. You guys are amazing.
Tonight, I learned that the list is even shorter than I though it was.
On that note, I'm signing off for the evening. Watch your back. Hug your friends. Remember that there is a saying that goes around about people keeping their friends close and their enemies closer, and that some people live by that pious motto.
I just... I cannot pour from an empty cup. I also do not want to pour from a cup full of tears, stress, and residual disappointment from things that have happened here recently. When I am ready to reach out my hand to assist others again, from my heart and soul, I will gladly announce so. Until then, it is better to assume that my emotional assistance is "unavailable at this time."
You can leave a message after the beep though, if you really decide that you need something.
-Tori
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